MattGlover.com

Here’s a good one for us to discuss:

I just took to reading your blog recently. I’m something of a lapsed Christian (Don’t get me wrong, i’m all for Jesus, but sometimes get lost in the rules and regulations of a church) , having grown up in the church. My father is onthe church council here. Recently my parents found out I’ve been sleeping with my girlfriend, and now refuse to see me until i break things off with her. My question is, is it wrong for a christian to havge sex before they are married? Firstly, if they are in a monogamous relationship, possbly one that has no future? but also, even if they are intending on being married one day, but aren’t;able to live up to some of the financial and other responsibilites that come with marriage?

Wow, lot’s of questions in the one email. I’ll answer them the best I can and rely on some others to offer their opinions too.

Firstly, I’d love to talk more about your statement about being ‘all for Jesus’ but a ‘lapsed Christian’, but my feeling is that’s probably a topic for another time. In short, don’t let church turn you away from Jesus, but don’t blame church if you’re not really prepared to live up to the standards he calls for. Make sense?

Your parents reaction to you and your girlfriend sleeping together is pretty ordinary. Sure, they might be REALLY disappointed and hurt, but to cut you off completely lacks the grace that I think is characteristic of the kingdom of God. But, it may be early days, and in the heat of the moment, your parents reacton may simply be a coping mechanism for them. It sounds as if they are leaders in their church, thus there will be reputation issues, ego issues, honesty and integrity issues that they will be facing. I hope that they come to the point where they can continue to express their love to you regardless of the life decisions you make and whether they agree with them or not. Just recognise that what you are doing is probably not what they dreamed their ‘little boy’ would be like. It’s hard for them.

When it comes to statistics, there doesn’t seem to be a whole lot of difference between the number of young people sleeping together who call themselves Christian and those that don’t. It seems to be one of those areas where culture has had a bigger influence on Christian faith and practice than the other way around. Consumerism, spending habits and debt accumulation are others that come to mind, but for some reason, the sex before marriage issue seems to get a far higher priority in the nurture and discipleship of our young people. So, you can rack up thousands of dollars of debt and feel no guilt and receive no discipline from the church, yet you can sleep with your girlfriend and carry a huge burden of shame and be literally cast out of the fellowship.

I say that not to belittle the issues of sex before marriage, but to try and put it in perspective. Jesus calls us to a whole life surrendered to God, which includes everything from our relationships, to work ethics, to financial management, to spiritual disciplines and even to our entire future. This is not easy, and in a culture of instant gratification where the ’self’ is most important, is often far too hard.

I do think that the sexual relationship is so intimate, that it should be kept exclusively for the relationship between a husband and wife. A special gift that is given to no person other than a life companion and soul mate. And I think that is a key thing - the sexual relationship is something that you give for mutual pleasure. It is not just for an individual to feel good or exercise power/control over another. From the culture of the time and the teaching of Jesus, it is pretty clear that a person would leave their parents and be joined to their life partner. The two became one flesh.

Again, this is hard to hear in our culture. We’re a sex-soaked people who have forgotten how to love each other and instead spend all our energies trying to sleep with each other to find some sort of meaning and intimacy. And then when/if we decide to get married, we find that the ‘traditional’ wedding is so hideously expensive that we can’t afford it.

Anyway, if you are serious about Jesus, then perhaps you should take an honest look at your sexual relationship with your girlfriend. If you’re not, then you’ll need to take an honest look at your relationship with your parents and at the very least explain to them that you don’t believe what they do. And if you want to get married, remember that you don’t have to do the big wedding thing - a simple BYO BBQ is just as legal as the big white-dress-and-reception type thing.

To finish, sleeping with a girlfriend is not the end of the world. Regardless of whether you stay together or not, the world will still turn, you will still function as a normal human being who has to work, pay tax and go to the toilet. You don’t have to have faith, but you can if you want for God is a God of new beginnings - the past is not forgotten, but used as a launching pad for whatever comes next.

Good luck in talking this over with your girlfriend and your folks. There will no doubt be some painful discussions, but may it all work out as you hope it will.