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The church where I first became a pastor was in a very wealthy area of Melbourne. Families had large houses, numerous nice cars, all the latest gadgets, the right clothes ad the best education money could buy. Yet, the young people I interacted with in the local school were just as isolated and lonely as any I had met in the poorer suburbs. The typical scenario was Mum and Dad working long hours to maintain the lifestyle (façade) that they had built for themselves, leaving son/daughter to get up and make their own breakfast, get ready and travel to school. When school was over, the young person would return home to an empty house and try to fill in time until somebody got home.

This would happen day after day after day. These same parents would say to me, “I’m providing everything I can for my daughter! Why doesn’t she love me?”

I never had the guts to come out and say it as bluntly as it needed to be said.

This chapter of Steve Biddulph’s Manhood explores what it means to be a real father. Having gone through about half of the book, there is nothing really new here – almost a retelling of what has been covered so far, but this time from the perspective of the reader being the father rather than the child.

Biddulph starts by describing four older models of father, all of which caricature the Dad as an absent disciplinarian. As we have read already, these were often roles forced on the male by societal pressures. What children need from their fathers, particularly boys, is time – and lots of it! Quality time is an evil concept robbing boys of fulfilling relationships with their fathers. It is quantity that is needed! Time and lots of it!

A great place to start is for the Dad to get involved in the child’s life during pregnancy, speaking to the child while it is still in its mother womb. When born, there should be lots of cuddling and playing – as well as bathing, bottle-feeding and the inevitable nappy changes! As the child grows, he will learn how to control his strength and respect the feelings of others though play wrestling with Dad.

Male mentors are still important. Cricket teams, footy teams, scouts, chess clubs or whatever, are not about the activity, but rather an opportunity for a boy to see other men in action. Thus it is vital for parents to be discerning about where and what they let their sons get involved in. Similarly, teaching sons about the sacredness of sex requires careful monitoring to avoid boys getting a cheapened version of one of the most beautiful things on earth.

Basically, the message to men is to be involved in the lives of your children. Break the cycle of un-fathered or fatherless children that seems to be at the root of societal problems by being there with your kids. It’s a simple as that.

Probably because of what I do, I found this chapter to be fairly basic. Up until this point, there had been plenty of ‘wow’ moments in my reading, but this chapter instead contained many ‘Yep. I agree’ type moments. I see the results of absent fathers all the time, and, sadly, see it as prevalent in church circles as anywhere else. I think I assumed that when my peers and I became fathers we would all just automatically avoid the mistakes our parents made and be more involved. Afterall, we had seen first hand through youth ministry just what sort of damage could be done. But it horrifies me now how these same people have somehow forgotten the stories of the young people in youth group and become consumed with their sports, their jobs, their positions in church leadership, their emerging missional communities and whatever else in preference to spending time with their kids.

Perhaps I am part of the problem. The presence of a pastor to deal with young people somehow subconsciously says, “It’s Matt’s job to teach my son the things of faith and life, so I’ll just sit back and let him do it.” And then they wonder why I have a better relationship with their kids than they do….

Maybe if we just stopped running youth groups, brigades, small groups or whatever other sort of youth ministry and said to the parents, “This is now your responsibility” things might start to change. But this is never going to happen – we need these things to offer the male role models that young people deserve. But youth ministry should help the parent, not replace them.

The story of Jairus and his dying daughter gives me hope. A synagogue ruler of great standing, putting his reputation, job even his home on the line for the sake of the well-being of his daughter. That’s the sort of Dad I want to see. That’s the sort of Dad I want to be. One who puts being a father above what culture deems more important.

So, if you’re a Dad or hope to be one day, do me a favour. Spend as much time with your kids as possible. Take jobs that don’t demand more than is necessary. Go away with your kids for special father son or father daughter weekends. Read, wrestle, swim, play, teach and learn together. Love and respect their mother.

Do your best to put me out of a job.