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This chapter deals with the interaction between the sexes and interestingly Biddulph starts this part with his conclusions. He says that there are three things men need to understand if they are to get it right with women:

1. Standing up to your partner without intimidating or being intimidated.

Here Biddulph is talking about the art of fighting right. In no way is he condoning domestic violence, but instead is encouraging men to actually say what they think, to be assertive about what it is they desire and to engage in debates with women instead of walking away with a shoulder shrugging ‘whatever’.

I should stress, as Biddulph does, that there are rules in fighting fair. No physical abuse, no verbal put downs, no walking out half way, always listening to the other and so on. All of these are not only essential to fighting fair, but are necessary for healthy, life giving relationships.

I can speak from experience that the silent treatment just makes your wife angrier! I used to think that if I simply quiet and let her have her way then things would be fine. But no, the issue kept coming up over and over again – regardless of whether my wife had her way or not. Of course, having her way was not what she was after. She wanted to talk, and the silent treatment was the worst possible response I my part.

And I know I’m not alone. We shared a weekend away a few years ago on a marriage enrichment weekend with a group of about ten other couples. And sure enough, one of the things the girls complained about most often was the silent treatment. I can clearly remember one of our friends saying, “I just want him to argue back for a change!” The look of stunned disbelief on her husbands face was priceless…

2. Knowing the differences in male and female sexuality so as to master the art of “the chase”

Related to the previous chapter, Biddulph continues to explore the differences in male and female attitudes to sex here. In a nutshell, making love is more than just sex, and for the women, it is far more enjoyable when the male is willing to ‘make the chase’. By this he means that when a women says ‘I’m not in the mood’, and the male simply says ‘ok’, rolls over and goes to sleep, an opportunity is lost forever.

Again, Biddulph is not condoning unwanted sexual intercourse, but is calling for a rediscovery of making love and adventure. He says, “ The knack of being a lover, a suitor, is to persist without being a pest.” Persistence might mean days, but the result is worth it for bother sexes.

Like before, I’m not prepared to share much of our experience in such a public forum, but the more I speak with couples, the more I realize that we are simply not taught this stuff anywhere. The movies don’t help – it all happens within a matter of minutes if you believe them and the magazines present women as ready to go at any moment…

The call for love-educators is getting stronger…

3. Realising that your partner is not your mother, thus making it through the hard times.

This was intriguing.

Biddulph basically says that the stereo-typical (and all too common) male attitude to sex produces a routine and mundane sex life that a woman quickly becomes bored by. The male is bored by it too, but has been so conditioned by the roles thrust upon him in society that he is not willing to risk what he has, lest he loses that too and is left in total despair. In his mind, the woman should be loving and compassionate, just like his mother, providing for all his needs.

Then the long dark night of a sexless existence sets in.

Biddulph says here that what men really need in these times, in addition to realizing all of the above, are male friends and some self-confidence. Male friends to give some emotional support and help build an awareness that one doesn’t have to be emotionally dependent on sex. And confidence that helps a man feel whole, and reassures him of his place in the world.

I must confess that I find this part a little confusing. I have seen the numbing sexless/loveless relationships can cause, but the association with ones mother seems, well, plain weird. Perhaps it’s psychological stuff that I will never understand fully…

The emotionally supportive male friendships, on the other hand, seems to make perfect sense. But I suspect that most of us males have all but lost the art of forming these sort of friendships. The movie Fight Club comes to mind – a group of men that can’t bond unless they are pounding the snot out of each other or causing all sorts of mayhem and violence. Supportive? Perhaps. Helpful? No.

It’s ironic that in a role that requires me to be mentor, shepherd, teacher, confidant, pastor and leader I have so few of these types of friendships that are truly two-way. And I must confess that I am at a loss to know where to look for them, or if I really want them anyway. Why? Because that would mean being vunerable and that scares me to death.