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The continuation of my reflections on Manhood by Steve Biddulph.

Watch this one send the stat counter flying…;)

To be honest, I approached this chapter on male sexuality with a little bit of hesitancy. I simply had no idea what to expect and feared that any sort of reflection would instantly turn this blog into a porn site! Fortunately, Biddulph tackles the subject with care and offers some profound challenges for the future of how we teach our boys to love.

When it comes to sex, men have been short-changed. Something that is so important to life has been exploited, misunderstood and demeaned by both culture and religion. Biddulph claims that the stereo-typical “men just want one thing” mindset is slowly beginning to unravel, freeing men to talk openly and honestly about sex. Indicators of this growng male sexual awareness are:

1. Seeing the goal of sex as making love, not just an orgasm. Making love is a whole person thing, and involves a connection that is deep and intimate.

2. Rediscovering the natural roots of romance, learning to be real and honest and in tune with the rythyms of each others body.

3. Placing less emphasis on the outer performance and actions and more on the inner qualities of sensory and emotional experience.

4. Learning to be comfortable with our bodies and communicating our desires.

Biddulph goes on to describe the barrage of ways sex is demeaned and demonised in our western culture. The responsibility, he says, lies not only with the magazine publishers, but photographers, the models and their tv/movie equivalents. All of these images promise a false sense of being needed, an artificial desire and build up a frustration that can never be met. And sadly, it is often the children that become the outlet for those frustrations. Would a woman pose for a magazine if she new that the picture would cause a father somwhere to molest his daughter?

A common way that men deal with the sexual frutrations created by culture is to take out a type of ‘revenge’. Biddulph calls it the ‘creepification’ of sex and describes how women become objects to be controlled and manipulated for male gratificaton, rather than equal partners in a beautiful, intimate act. At it’s worst, it leads to the creation of rapists and other sexual predators.

Biddulph calls men to be comfortable in their sexual identiy and to seek support groups to share the journey if the going is tough. Sexual energy is good, and when a man is comfortable with who he is sexually, he is able to channel and control it in a way that regards women as equals. Men control who and how they give away their sexual energies to. Biddulph says, “We have to be aware that sexual attraction lies not in a way a woman looks, but in the way we choose to look at a woman. A man’s life goes a whole lot better when he realises that he is turning himself on…”

But perhaps the greatest thing Biddulph says in this chapter is left for the area of sex education in homes and schools. The mechanics are taught endlessly. Let’s face it, most young people know how to have sex well before their parents ever get around to telling them about it anyway. But it is not sex-education that Biddulph says we need more of. Instead he says it is love-education that has been lacking all along.

The “sex talk” in the premarriage counselling that I run is always an interesting time. And almost without fail , the couples I see haven’t really had the courage to speak to each other openly about their sexual relationship, or how they will begin it. There is alomst a mindset that it will just happen somehow - afterall, that is what happens in the movies! Often, a year or two down the track, the frustrations of an unfulfilling sexual relationship begin to take their toll.

One simple phrase has helped in this area: Women need to be relaxed to have sex. Men have sex to relax.

A short statement, and hopelessly inadequate to describe the richness of a fully realised sexual relationship, but a statement that opens up the lines of communication and awareness between a couple and begins the transformation. Suddenly, an understanding of the needs of the other causes self-examination of individual needs and an open sharing of them. Emotional trust builds and the act of sex starts to move towards making love.

A previous pastor of mine always said that he church should be at he forefront of sexual education in the community. At the time, I thought he was crazy, but imagine what the ramifications would be if the church was a love educator. There is no question that the need is strong, so why have we ignored it? Perhaps it is as Biddulph says - sex has been demeaned by the church by considering it a no-go zone. It’s something private that should not be talked about with anyone, and if you have sexual problems then there must be something wrong with you or, even worse, you’re not welcome.

God created sex. One of Digger’s favourite quotes is, “God created the orgasm!” The fact that some will find that statement crude reinforces how such a beautiful, natural and God-given thing has been relegated to the realm of the ‘unspeakable’. Of course, God created sex for a given time and place, and there are certainly times and places where it shouldn’t be discussed. But NEVER discussing it means that the voices and images beamed into the minds of our young become dominant, the idea of sex becomes tainted and twisted, and even more relationships are left to flounder. Our young men become confused about their role in the sexual relationship and wonder why it doesn’t seem to match up to what they see on the big screen. Those young men grow into old men who live their entire lives missing out on the most gratifying of relationships.

It’s difficult to reflect on this without referring to my own sexual relationship. And while I’m not going to write about here (too public for my wife and I!) I will give my wife this chapter to read. It builds nicely on other things we have read and some of the things we have worked on. But, what I will say is that, like all parts of a relationship, the sexual component takes work. It’s difficult, sometimes embarrassing and uncomfortable, but in the long run, well worth the effort. Believe me.