Manhood: Chapter 1 - The Problem
Published by Matt Glover September 29th, 2005 in ManhoodI recently got hold of a copy of Steve Biddulph’s book called Manhood and thought I’d post some of my thoughts on each chapter as I work my way through it. It might take a while with everything else going on at the moment, but it seems interesting so far and will probably become a good source of procastination very soon. Anyway…
Chapter one talks about the crisis of maleness we are experiencing in Australia. The suicide stats are horrific and given the majority of the numbers represent males that are taking their own lives, we must stop and look at what is causing such despair amongst our men.
In the 1950’s the womens movement started moving towards liberation for females in the western world. It identified that women were being stifled, stopped from meeting their full potential and forcing them into roles that were making them frustrated and miserable. The big problem with this movement, though, was that it failed to recognise that men needed liberating too. Males were, and are, being underfathered and given little to base their ideas of maleness on, other than ’successful’, corporate business people that excelled in the world of greed and exploitation. As a result, Biddulph says that, “Our marriages fail, our kids hate us, we die from stress and on the way we destroy the world” (page 7).
The prisons we have become trapped in are those of loneliness, compulsive competition and lifelong emotional timidity, leaving us with generations of desperately unhappy men. The call of the growing Men’s Movement is about, “Learning how to be confident and easy in making better marriages, jobs, pasttimes, friendships and in developing a rich and sustaining inner life” (page 9).
I’ve read that many pastors identify ‘loneliness’ as one of the biggest draw backs to the job. Cartoonists also tend to be an isolated group that work through the internet from home. I’ve been part time as a freelance cartoonist/illustrator for nearly ten years now, and never once have had to meet with a client face to face! Given I do both I can identify with what Biddulph is saying.
I have a wonderful family, a wife I love dearly, two wonderful sons and am content with the life I have been given. Yet there are still times that it would be nice to have some close, male friends to ‘hang out’ with. I have some mates that I catch up with every couple of months, but it’s nothing like the sort of friends I had when I was back at school. It just seems that we assume a role that means we don’t have time for those type of friends any more and are weak (or gay) if we think we need them. Plus, nobody can ever really understand the pressures of the role of pastor unless they have been there themselves. Why should they? And so, the “Nobody cares how I’m feeling, but I’ll care for them anyway,” martyr complex rears its ugly head.
It’s not that hard to pick up the phone and call some of my old school buddies. I know that. But there is always the voice in the back of my mind that says, “What will they think of what I am doing with my life?” You see, whatever I put my hand too when I was growing, I had to be the best at it. I knew I couldn’t play footy or cricket, so I didn’t try. But I aced every year at high school and was dux in the final year. I was driven by results and lived on the thrill of winning the ‘game’. So part of me feels a little embarrassed, I guess, when I tell people from my past that I turned my back on the corporate career that I was building. On most days, it doesn’t worry me, but every so often I wonder what they are thinking.
Fortunately, my Dad did a pretty good job of raising me. Yes, we had our moments, and there are things we should probably talk about some day, but he loved my mum, sister and me like we were the only people on the planet. We weren’t wealthy by any stretch, but he and mum went without numerous times to give us kids the best opportunities possible. And those opportunitie wer not material things, but life experiences. I’m eternally grateful for that.
Emotionally I’m no giant, and some of my short comings frustrated my wife in the first few years, but I think I’m getting a handle on that too. Perhaps the privilege of being a part of the lives of other men in my role as pastor is to learn from the expereinces of many others, recognizing that it is ok to share emotions with others and not present myself as a rock all the time.
So, I find myself agreeing with the introductory chapter of Biddulph’s book. I identify with the loneliness, the sense of always having to compete and to a lesser extent, the emotional timidity. But I acknowlege that I have not experienced the things he described to the point of despair like some he has mentions. I will be interested to see how being male, being Australian and being a man of faith/spirituality is covered, if at all…
13 Responses to “Manhood: Chapter 1 - The Problem”
- 1 Trackback on Nov 13th, 2005 at 9:15 am
- 2 Pingback on Feb 11th, 2006 at 4:29 am
Is there a tendancy maybe that when a guy gets married he has little time for his mates?
Good thought. Though the girls still seem better at keeping in touch with friends. Mine does anyway…
good honest thoughts here mate, look forward to reading more.
The loneliness thing is something I come across all the time with blokes at the footy club. Guys that just hang out there non-stop, playing poker till all hours, because its social interaction, but you don’t really have to talk.
The amount of old blokes that come down the club, both cricket and footy, of a Thursday night for a beer still amazes me. Blokes that haven’t played for years, but desperately crave some dudes to hang out with.
browsing through your website today,
found your thoughts on this topic very interesting; especially as it parallels conversations I’ve recently had with some of my male friends.
what I find really sad is that my male friends stated to me that they probably won’t have time to be friends with each other in the coming years, as life gets too busy, they start working full time, get married, have kids and plod on with life… because that’s what they ‘expect’ to happen. As that’s what has happened to all the older male rolemodels that they have.
I that the Church needs to encourage male friendships more and for women to also understand that their men (sons, brothers, husbands) need male bonding time, time to pause from the day to day activities and to have social interaction with other blokes…and my friends do do this now, all the time actually and I think it’s really healthy, but it should be encouraged to continue to hold onto their male friends once they do get married, have kids etc.
Good to see you here Amber!
In chapter three Biddulph describes how this ‘role’ that men find themselves in is just as manufactured and oppressive as any of the stuff the women’s movement tried to free women from in th 1950’s.
You’re right. There’s a huge challenge infront of us - both men and women. An undiscovered oportunity to make a REAL and lasting impact.
Hey Matt
I’m joining this a bit late but would like to encourage you in your reading of good secular literature by guys such as Biddulph - his book on Manhood is a good one and I may offer my thoughts on each chapter from now on in point form (I’m a bit of a writer)
I was wondering the best way to get interesting material on my blog and I think quick comments on books that are involved in manhood/leadership are v.good ideas and will work away on that. Cheers for the inspiration.
I’m more encouraged that people are interested in manhood in general and the need for male role models. Absolutely the key is actually getting blokes together. The best times I’ve had spiritually in the past 4 years have been those guy getaways, camps and hikes. We’re starting to do this at our church (DVBC) and it’s an interesting emerging time
Look forward to dropping you a few lines.
G’day Lucas,
What sort of things do you do on your trips away with the guys?
Hey
In terms of the guys times away they tend to be in the bush, big campfires, talking about different experiences we have had, often tent camping, could be paintball or that sort of thing
These can be in terms of as a youth leader with guys younger, where we discuss general life issues and get rid of the veneer of superficiality at least for that moment.
With guys my own age (mid 20s) these times become guy bonding times.
Different things can occur over these times but for my opinion the most important thing is time rather than what actually occurs.
Our mens ministry is very very fledgling at the moment - these things go in cycles and “organised” and “disorganised” can still achieve the same aims. A lot of what our men are starting to do is eat together, and stand around fires. I think there’s something somewhat spiritual in that.
In brigade I’m looking to engender experiences that draw males - particularly father-son relationships that lead them both to need and trust one another, and for experiences of initiation, integration and bonding.
Obviously you need to be real careful in these to avoid discriminating against people or victimising. The key is encouragement and rituals of manhood have been around since Adam was a young man. There is something to be said for proving your manhood and unfortunately in today’s culture it tends to be through sex experiences rather than the whole package of social/emotional growth.
So yeah the things I’m looking at currently in relation to manhood are:
- initiation / bonding / experience
- the father son (old bull / young bull) relationship dynamic
- effective male only self-led groups
In terms of overall stuff I think the faith-experience connection is powerful and we don’t operate in this zone enough (ie try to work out our faith with fear and trembling through experiencing different aspects of faith)
TIME is of the essence in all things male - we don’t put time into much outside of work - the single biggest esteem item for most guys.
Matt: Kinda dumbed into you…I’m on the other side of the pond in some direction or another in the USA. Can’t tell for sure which way but the G’day references must mean Australia….
Must say, that I have been reading many of these posts here and really relating. Here in the US, it’s not “footy and cricket” but more like the NFL (National Football League) and Major League Baseball, but the results are pretty much the same. Guys just hungry for interaction at a social level in some way or form.
I guess this is more of a question than a comment and everyone can discuss it: Is there a greater amount of courage required than we have to really develop the deeper relationships and avoid the “lonliness” factor? I see it in my church where we have 1000 members, but no real cohesive “men’s group” or any other form of men’s ministry. Hence we all just shake hands and greet each other, then go on our ways.
Nice blog, Matt. I trackbacked this post to my blog because I thought it was insightful…hope you don’t mind.
No worries Bill. Thanks for your comments.
My feeling is that it only takes one bloke to get up enough courage to get a group going and then, with a bit of support and resourcing, it seems to grow from there. I have two mens groups running and they have shared some pretty hefty life expereinces together (divorce, death etc) - but both strated with one guy saying, “Hey, I’d like to get together and talk with some other men, how about it?”
I think that the issue of lonliness - “Guys that just hang out there non-stop, playing poker till all hours, because its social interaction, but you don’t really have to talk.” - thanks Digger - comes back to our inability to be intimate with our “mates” - I’m not from Down Under, so my colloquialisms are different : I have no clue what “dux” means! - maybe even our complete lack of knowledge of what intimacy truly is. I mean, I haven’t really got a clue, and this is something that my wife and I are just now starting to deal with (and we’ve been together over ten years!) This is new territory. That is the crux of the issue, I think!